Christopher's Annotated Comments

title

  • Good title. I like the elevated tone, the way you hint at your thesis.

paragraph 1

  • Why the semi-colons in the first two lines?
  • I like that phrase? ("sure of hand")
  • Shouldn't there be hyphens here? (razor sharp . . . ever so challenging)
  • Is "can" necessary?
  • The introduction hooks my interest. The vivid language makes me want to keep reading.

paragraph 2

  • I like the three-word phrase with which you begin.
  • My English teachers always tell me not to use "this" alone at the start of a sentence.
  • Condense "due to the fact that" to "because."
  • The "must be free . . ." phrase seems overly stiff.
  • "Thump the pumpkin" -- great effect!
  • What would make a pumpkin "jump out"? Size? Color?
  • "Boom" may be too strong a verb.
  • Would Jeff consider "No boom, no sale" a fragment?
  • "DÈcor": appropriate word here? Makes me think of a room.
  • Have you thought about saying who to pay? We know you're paying the seller but you might want to say so.

paragraph 3

  • Could it be a magnificent work of "art" since the pumpkin isn't carved yet? Maybe "nature"?
  • I would delete "just". It seems to demean your pumpkin.
  • Does your pumpkin have "talent" or potential? I think "potential" would sound better because the carver is the one with the talent.
  • I know what you mean by "do not reach through the car" but it sounds like you may be literally reaching through the car.
  • Substitute "gently" for "softly"?
  • "Lay two layers" creates an echo.
  • Check spelling of "innerds."
  • Should you tell us to set the pumpkin on the newspaper?

paragraph 4

  • "Pick a knife which" sounds stiff.
  • What's a "cooking spoon"? A metal tablespoon or one of those big wooden spoons?
  • Should "around" be "along"?
  • Are you pulling it out? (the pumpkin top)
  • "Excess guts" -- good phrase!
  • What do you do with the mush? Can you bake the seeds?
  • "The evil look of death" Alright! Good!
  • Add "carving"? (after "with' in "Start with the eyes.")
  • If a candle is going to be used -- could you say the eyes will burn or glow with terror?
  • I would delete "little" because squinty already sounds little.
  • "Squinty" -- cool word here.
  • Should gutwrenching be hyphenated?
  • "Just a hard, tight circle nose" bothers me for some reason. It sounds repetitive of big clown nose.
  • I love "gnashing!"
  • Instead of "cruel" I would pick a scarier word like "gruesome."
  • "these parts": facial parts?
  • Do you mean the eyes, nose and teeth you just cut out? You could condense these paragraphs.
  • Where do you put the extra stuff?

paragraph 5

  • Any recommendations on what kind of candle?
  • "remain fast": maybe draw this out some
  • When did we light the candle?
  • Do you want to say something here about the Halloween season?

paragraph 6

  • "Wicked" is first-rate here.
  • Put quotation marks around "Steven King-ish"?
  • Great! (sentence 3)
  • I'd add "on Halloween night" (to "that's more candy for yourself")
  • I would say "There's no other way to carve a pumpkin."